I was sitting in my house one evening contemplating the great ‘why’.
Why had my weight ballooned? My weight has been stable for the last year. Swinging back and forth, oscillating between 3 kg. I looked at my stomach pouch that was storing fat in case starvation hit my country. I still had a six-pack, but it was fighting for survival like Atlas holding the weight of the world. I was frustrated and felt out of control for most of the December holiday.
My orderly, result-oriented mind wanted clear outcomes—military outcomes, including a finished draft of a book by the end of 2024.
The book a sci-fi was draining, it took more than it gave. I didn’t know how to replenish my energy.
In the pursuit of peace. I traveled to the village and in the calm serenity of my mother’s farm I finally settled on a schedule that gave breath to the book. I wrote fast, stitching the sinew, ligaments, and bones of the book. Aiming to outpace a lethargy that would creep in if I paused for a moment. I took two hours daily, three thousand words written, and no more.
Once I got my words in, it was common practice to change into my running gear and take to the punishing hills of Kisii. I avoided trying to review what I had written. The rest of the day was spent reading, watching nature, and being still. I had moments when I was seated staring at my belly, and my mind started to craft a delusion.
Listen in as Light and Dark spoke in my mind.
“Why not use that ‘extra’ weight as a scapegoat,” said Dark.
“But we both know, this year was uncomfortable,” said Light.
“You are always too serious, live a little,” said Dark.
“I am 41 and survived my 20s!” said Light.
“You have a point. But we both know not all problems need an immediate solution,” said Dark.
They both sighed and walked off into the recess of my brain.
I needed a scapegoat to blame for all that hadn't worked out in the year 2024. The intense ups and downs, the emotional roller-coaster that was buried in helping my coaching clients handle their emotional disturbances, and not having someone to do the same for me. I felt like I had given and not received in return.
My addiction was the need to fuel my growth. The need to be better.
The cost was evenings when my willpower was depleted after I had done everything to make others better. I would sit deflated. Satisfied. But, deflated. And do nothing. Then came the anime binge and a bowl of fruit. My indulgence. My decadence. And while it was kept in check with constant exercise I knew a deeper issue needed to be resolved.
By the 1st of January 2025, I was done writing the first draft of the sci-fi book. It had dominated my mind for 15 days. And at last, I could take pause, and celebrate something I had never done before; write a novel of 80,000 words. A monumental achievement in my books (get it, books).
A New Year is for many a fresh start. A delusion clothed in shiny new resolutions that rise against a high wall of impregnable old habits.
Sunday 12th January, was the day I chose differently. I was scrolling through messages in a group. And I saw the convenor talking about a 120-hour water fast. Wow! Five days.
I read further.
You had to go about your business, exercise, and even take long walks. Meaning you had to be active, and some more while fasting. This sounded like madness. But, my kind of madness.
“Can we be functional and survive?” Dark asked Light.
“I don’t know, but it sure looks enlightening,” said Light.
The last time I had done a water fast, was in my early 30s. I would go to a retreat, and while there ensure I did not see, smell nor hear about food. Isolation was the idea.
Could I do this? If I could, it meant I could train my willpower, emotions, and mind to do more, and be hardy in a chaotic world.
I needed to take responsibility and stop looking at my stomach pouch, which I had done with an accusing eye recently. I walked to the bathroom and looked in the mirror.
“Edwin, you have always done things to push you further in developing your willpower, and discipline. If others can do it, so can you.”
End of pep talk.
That night something stirred as I listened to Phil Collins. My decision was largely sparked by emotion.
“I am ready,” I told myself.
“I have done 48-hour fasts,” said Light pumped.
“Though not as frequently,” retorted Dark.
“But we did it to great satisfaction and growth,” said Light.
“I dare you to try, and fail,” said Dark.
“It’s a deal,” said Light.
And they shook hands.
At exactly 10:15 p.m., I activated my fasting app Zero and began the fast. A rush of dopamine flooded my brain. Excitement! My stomach was woozy. Nervous that I was going without food for a few days, I went to bed.
Day 1 went by normally. I had good reserves. My standard is a meal or two a day. I was fine. The challenge was to go to bed on an empty stomach. Most times I have nightmares of the most sumptuous meals chasing me down. While at it my body throws fits and sends energy surges that wake me. I yawned frequently, that night, while asleep. But I was fine.
Day 2 came with meetings. I drank water and brewed coffee. My empty stomach was one with water. I thanked it, as I went through the day with high energy. Water and a pinch of salt were all I needed.
I was also saved by a busy schedule which I followed religiously. It was packed with affirmations, reading, writing, work, exercise, and meetings. There was no idle time. Normally when fasting at a retreat center I would have little to do but battle boredom; the ennui of not having much to do. This was different. I had energy and the world before me to change.
On Day 3 I started walking long distances in the afternoon’s sweltering heat.
“Wait you need rest, be normal.” Said Dark.
“How will we know if we can take this? Remember we have run 42 km which is worse.” Said Light.
“Ok! At least wear a cap, it's hot out there.” Said Dark.
I went back in the house and picked a cap.
I walked 5 km on day three, and 9 km on days four and five. Our bodies mould to what we believe they can do. Your resolve must constantly push the boundaries of your mental limits.
I remember on Day 4 after I had completed a coaching session. I was going to walk 10 km back to my house, in the heat of late afternoon. I kept my wits with me not distracted by music or a podcast.
I was one with my body listening as it spoke to me for two hours. I was present, breathing, and conscious of the reserve energy I was depleting as I walked.
It shocked me to discover new pockets of reserve that came alive as I walked up several hills noticing how my body labored to expend energy, carefully and wisely.
Not once did my positive thoughts, Light, or negative thoughts, Dark, hinder the journey. I had a smile on my face and a bounce. I was content and happy.
I arrived home, as the sun was setting. I looked in the mirror and remembered the last time I had taken an endurance test that had span days. And memory took me way back to high school.
Those carefree days when the world was new and invigorating to my young mind. When I believed I could do anything under the sun.
Quick story: I joined the President’s Awards - Kenya because walking in treacherous terrain for five days appealed to my young mind. While undertaking the Gold award, we were expected to walk across hills and rough terrain from Machakos town through the back routes of Central Province. Materializing in Mai Mahiu’s Traveller’s Church – a church constructed during wartime by Italian war prisoners. The small church was a testament to resilience and faith when a world war persisted. The route was 110 km on a straight path. But for us navigating hills, bushes, and valleys that distance doubled.
I remember those five days in the bush with no bath. One with nature, walking from morning to evening. Sweat crystallizing on my brow. I was content and without a worry.
This five-day water fast brought a similar feeling, a connection with something deeper, more spiritual.
On Day 5, I felt something move because I started asking myself existential questions. Why was I so focused on some things? Why had I given less attention to my purpose? What was holding me back from seeking what I was destined to do? What was stealing my focus?
Life is such that we are distracted. And over time our focus and attention are blunted or redirected into things of unclear origin and little importance. Yet we are so busy doing them with an intensity that beats reason. For example, that job that feeds and clothes you, but will never elevate you. Or that job you have had for many years comfortable, unchallenged, disengaged, and dead inside. Why? Because it feeds and clothes you.
We only wake up from this slumber years later when something catastrophic stops us dead in our tracks; a death, a disease, a lost job. And for once we stop deluding ourselves that everything is fine, and we ask ourselves. Why am I here? What was I meant to do? How do I begin?
Many shy away from these questions because there are no answers, at that moment. It is frustrating to feel out of control, so we create another ‘reality’ in our minds and continue to live a lie.
Fasting does a few things.
It forces your body, to become a secondary concern. For a moment you don’t give it what it wants. This then forces your soul to contend with your faulty perceptions, beliefs, and assumptions, and this happens as your spirit which hasn’t been fed for a long time begins to feed, be strong, and build a spiritual connection with the divine, making you more sensitive to spiritual discernment.
Fasting renews your sense of purpose and peace. It clears your mind to reflect on your actions. This allows you to nurture and strengthen your willpower which easily depletes, while cultivating self-discipline.
I can attest to the many benefits of fasting. But, are you willing to find out for yourself?
Thank you for taking the time to read this blog! I'm Edwin Moindi, a Life and Habit Coach dedicated to helping people understand their habits, navigate their emotions, and cultivate emotional intelligence for a happier, more balanced life. I'd love to hear your thoughts—feel free to reach out and share your insights or questions!
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