The A.B.C. of Hard Times

The room was full of people drinking themselves into a stupor. The air was heavy, with a stench of disappointment. I was standing in the middle of a stuffy dimly lit hovel. Reggae music filtered from an unknown origin as I strained to see where my friend sat.

He had lost his job, and soon enough his world had caved in. His wife of ten years had left with their two children. I found him slumped next to a full-bosomed woman. She had a melancholy and a distance to her eyes, lost in her thoughts and traumas. Their cups were half filled with a froth and a jug stood by waiting to be of service.   

“Hey, here comes my friend!” Gerald said. He had a hopeless look in his eyes. He masked it with a tired smile. He had been drinking for two straight days in the hovel.

“Please find him for us. He is not taking calls.” His younger sister had asked.

I reflected on the good days when Gerald was considered an exemplar, an eloquent young man, with a bright future in an international tech company. He dressed impeccably and helped others immeasurably.  

At the home front, he projected an image of happiness. His was a young family he dotted over and took for holidays around the country. He had met his wife while at an event, she was the beautiful confident lawyer who loved his depth and intellect.   

As I looked down at Gerald. I saw a shell of a man. He was not the person I had known and respected. He had a putrid smell around him. ‘Death?’ I brushed it off, it was more subtle, more forgiving. He had not bathed for a while.

When he spoke the spark in his eyes was gone.

I sat beside him, quiet. I reminded myself of sitting under a Mugumo tree and watching the sunset as a child.   

“Can you talk?” I finally asked.

He had descended into a pity party with drink, suspect company, and moments of lucid memory. He was sober, to a degree.

“Hey, my good friend Edwin. What are you doing here?” He asked.   

 “Your family is concerned about you,” I said.

“Why should they? No one cares about me.” He said, emotionally.

“You know that is a lie, Gerald. Your mother, sisters, and relatives are looking for you and are deeply concerned.” I responded.

He shrugged and looked down at his drink.

“Ok, then!” I said after a few minutes of silence.

He looked up with dread in his eyes. Not knowing if I was about to leave.

“Let’s assume no one cares about you.” I started. “And they are all gone. Is this the best way to use your time? Do you believe in your intelligent mind that you are doing the best for yourself?” I asked.

“But they don’t care about me!” He retorted, with a dejected face.

“Yes! They don’t care about you and never did. Good. Now we know. Can we move on?” I demanded.

I got up and turned to him.

“I will tell them I didn’t meet you. You don’t exist.” I stated flatly.    

Terror was written on his face.

“Wait!” he said, holding my arm.

I sat back down and waited.

The setting sun under the Mugumo tree came to my mind, as I sat in silence.

“I don’t know how to move on.” He said and sighed deeply.

 “It was all so good until it went wrong,” he said.

 We always delude ourselves thinking that the descent to anarchy is a surprise. Yet the downhill march is present and gradual. Something at the back of our minds always tells us of this fact.

“I have always wanted to be accepted. I was so afraid of failure that I chased success with all my energy. I had a well-paying job. And only associated with people who could help me. The wealthy, and the progressive. I helped people with a selfish desire to get validation. I knew it, and they knew it.” He paused.

I nodded.   

“I bought a large house on a mortgage. My kids went to an international school. And I made sure my wife was well-kept and happy. I was the protector and provider of my family.”

I kept quiet and listened.

“But secretly Edwin I was battling with anxiety, and worry. It was so bad I started drinking to quieten my nerves. Voices in my head were so loud, telling me how incompetent I was, or how soon they would discover me. I only drank on Friday nights, but that grew to more days in the week until I became completely dependent on alcohol for stability.”

“As my responsibilities increased, my anxiety got out of hand. One day, I blundered with one account and they fired me. Everything came tumbling down.” He stopped to breathe.

Gerald had seen rough days.

“My wife left me when I became penniless. She said I was bad for her image.” He said.

I nodded and sighed.

“What was your responsibility in all this, Gerald?” I asked.

He shook his head.

“I have always wanted to be respected and loved. I never felt it from those around me, including my mother. She was a busy widow. And she had to take care of four of us, and put food on the table.”

“Why are you a victim Gerald?” I asked.

“What do you mean?” He retorted.

“I asked what was your responsibility in your recent failures. Instead, you spoke of your mother’s lack of love for you. Do you have a victim mentality? Rather how many times do you consider yourself blessed?”

Gerald shook his head.

“But I am telling you why I am like this!” He responded.

“I know Gerald. And my stance is hard. You are a grown man. The world is unforgiving. And your inner child is probably screaming for love and affection. And this is a hole you need to come out from and fill. But you are going at it the wrong way. You will not solve the issue by being here and drinking in a stupor,” I said.

“You are one of the people I look to as being blessed. I am shocked at what happened, and I believe there is merit in your story buried in your past traumas, that you need to settle. But you are locked in irrational beliefs and thoughts that cause you to behave and act irrationally, and put you in a perpetual spiral, that only you, by taking responsibility can come out of,” I said.

“How I want to. But I don’t know how?” he said.

“First you have to be willing. Willing to get out. No matter how many times your family and I may want to help. You will have to muster the willpower to change this situation. You will have to make that decision. It cannot be made for you. Many people delude themselves they want change in their life, but are unwilling to make the change. It's just something nice they tell themselves,” I said.

“I want to make the change,” he said adamantly.  

“Then you will have to decide never to drink alcohol again,” I said hoping for the shock to kick in.

Gerald looked at me shocked.

“I understand, but that is something you must promise yourself. I will get you someone you can trust and be accountable to.”

“Ok!”

“Secondly, I want to introduce you to group therapy every week. You will join a group of men battling with alcoholism. By being in this group, you will be able to process the irrational thoughts, the assumptions, and the victimhood.”

“Ok!”

Gerald needed to break a wall before starting his journey of recovery. And it came two months later when he was beaten so badly in a brawl that he nearly died. That life-and-death situation made him finally choose to stop drinking.

It took six months with the help of a community of other recovering alcoholics and a mentor, for Gerald to rise from the bottom. His family was supportive.

It was in the desire to take responsibility and to develop healthy coping mechanisms that Gerald became an active runner and swimmer, meditated, journaled copiously, and was baptized—a complete shift in person.

 

Let us bring this home.

You and I are presented with many hard events: from job loss to financial hardships. From betrayal by a partner or loved ones, to business failure, serious health issues, death of a loved one, divorce, or relationship breakup. We experience public humiliation, rejection, and family conflict. The list goes on.

All these ‘hard’ events are termed ACTIVATING EXPERIENCES OR EVENTS.

We may face one or more of these in our lifetime.

Sometimes several at a go.

We operate behind a BELIEF SYSTEM that carries our thoughts, and perceptions of the world. And we can either have negative or positive belief systems. These beliefs help us process hard events resulting in emotional and behavioral CONSEQUENCES.

A belief system is a set of principles or ideas that help people make sense of the world around them. Belief systems can include a person's political views, religious beliefs, or philosophical ideas. Belief systems can provide a sense of comfort, purpose, and connection to others. They can also help people through challenging times and may improve their quality of life

For example, a job loss can bring about a negative belief that may say;

‘I am not good enough. I’ll never find another job.’

The emotional consequences are anxiety, fear, and self-doubt.

The behavior consequence may lead someone to avoid job applications out of fear of rejection.

The counter is a positive belief that may say;

‘I see the job loss as an opportunity to grow and explore new career paths. I can develop new skills and adapt.’

The emotional consequence is motivation, hope and resilience.

 The behavior consequences may lead someone to upskill, actively network, and apply for jobs while maintaining a structured daily routine.

Your beliefs create your reality and ultimately determine your happiness.

Take responsibility to curate and shape your beliefs as a habit. Intentionally leaning into your discomfort, and questioning how you think, feel, and act.

Journal, give gratitude, and affirm yourself to shift your mindset.  

Take time to be more self-aware. Understand yourself, regulate your emotions, and interact with others with emotional intelligence to build positive and healthy relationships.

All this despite the chaos and hard things occurring around us. Therefore, dare to grow and become more than you ever thought possible.      

 

‘It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that they are difficult.’ ~ Seneca.

 

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Thank you for taking the time to read this blog! I'm Edwin Moindi, a Life and Habit Coach dedicated to helping people understand their habits, navigate their emotions, and cultivate emotional intelligence for a happier, more balanced life. I'd love to hear your thoughts—feel free to reach out and share your insights or questions!