Why Invest in Others?

 

“That’s a beautiful question, young man!” said the spiritual leader, reposed in a chair on stage in the auditorium. A close friend had invited me to an event organized by the Jain community in Kenya. I was intrigued. We all have questions, so I attended, carrying along my curiosity. When the Q&A session began, I decided to ask questions and see where they would lead me.

It was uncomfortable as I was one of the few black people in the meeting among a sea of Asians who called Kenya their home. It was an honor being before a person they revered greatly. From the way I was attentively handled, they were happy to have me there. Yet curious about my interest, and presence.

My discomfort soon dissipated as I observed them invested in several rituals that strengthened their belief.  

I felt a love and devotion more potent in that room among the devotees than in other religious communities I have interacted with. There was a submission to the spiritual leader, with no self-interest attached. Concurrently the spiritual leader showed a humility that was expected. A counterbalance. All showed a welcoming of suffering as a refiner of self; a separation of material from the immaterial.   

Later, we were ushered into another hall where a long line of volunteers stood behind various Indian foods. Let me wax lyrical by naming a few; thali, pani puri, papadum, chaat, kheer, halwa, and so on.

I love chili and, on that day, indulge I did in delicacies Indian, vegetarian, and sumptuous - more than 30 servings of different meals. I craved to taste every one of them. But held back. ‘What will they think of me,’ I wondered. “Do you want another serving?” My friend asked reading my mind.           

Volunteers had prepared the food. They stood tall and proud chatting away behind their work of art, ready to share a word or a thought about what they had cooked.

For your information food cooked with love and devotion tastes better.

As I left the event, having bowed with a grateful heart, the experience boarded with me. Weeks later, my friend and I spent countless hours discussing faith, purpose, and life, deeply impacting each other's growth. It’s a joy when people from different backgrounds and faiths, seek wisdom together, and in the process unpack truth.  

 

We are normally told we have to measure our relationships by the benefits that accrue.

“Edwin those are not good friends for you,” You would hear a concerned parent tell their child knowing what it means to be among bad apples. We are the sum of those we surround ourselves with. We have thus been trained to have this weighing scale in our heads that gives a plus or minus to every person we meet and interact with. For many, this calculating nature sits below the iceberg of our consciousness. Placed there by a lifetime of social programming.

  

In Give and Take, Adam Grant mentions three categories of people: givers, takers, and matchers.

The takers are just that, they take everything from you, even the clothes on your back, and more if they can, and with little remorse, then stab you in the naked back as you leave.

The matchers will do a ping pong with you. “Nipe, nikupe” which means ‘give me something and I will give you something in return.’

In the parable of the shrewd manager in the bible. A corrupt manager, knowing he was about to lose his job, calls on the people who owe his master money, and asks them to pay a fraction. Thus, carrying favor with each of them into the future. His master considered him shrewd and celebrated him.  

The message is two-sided. One, look after yourself, and two, think long term. Those you dominate or control today may be your overlords tomorrow. In this case, the manager’s future benefactors were indebted to his master.

We are creatures of delusion. We think we are better than others in many ways. Could we start to see the need to treat all well? Not because of their color, wealth, beauty, or expression.

According to Adam Grant, there are two types of givers.   

The selfless givers; who give to the point of being broken, contorted with a compulsive desire to give.

You may know such people.

They may be very close to you, a parent.

This may even have affected your childhood negatively.

You may be that giver and your world doesn’t make sense when others are in pain and you are willing to do everything to repair the world.

You are Atlas holding the world on your tired shoulders.

Selfless givers have a compulsive drive that pushes them to want to give to the point of self-sacrifice. And they, are more likely to experience burnout and bitterness. Unfortunately, selfless givers, don’t succeed as much as the second type, “Otherish” givers.

“Elaine, you stopped helping the children’s home?”

“Yes, Edwin. I was burned out and needed some rest.”        

Adam Grant believes that the way most people see burnout is wrong. According to Grant, while one might think that giving less would prevent burnout. The opposite is true: giving more prevents burnout.

What!!!

Grant says, "Givers don't burn out when they devote too much time and energy to giving. They burn out when working with people in need, and can’t help effectively.”

The “Otherish” givers care about benefiting others and have ambitious personal goals. They find a way of fusing these two and out of this positive contribution to other people’s lives and their own, they are energized to continue giving.

 

Furthermore, Otherish givers are more inclined to ask for help than selfless givers; they don't view their work as a cross they alone need to bear. They are willing to seek help from their colleagues and mentors "which enables them to marshal the advice, assistance, and resources necessary to maintain their motivation and energy.”

 Giving shouldn’t be a cross you bear, insufferably. Yet selfless givers think so - a proud and egotistical thing to believe.  

 

To gain, you have to let go of something. For every step you take forward, your back foot has to relinquish some portion of land. To move forward you have to give, but give with wisdom.  

Let me reiterate.

“Extensive research reveals that people who give their time and knowledge regularly to help their colleagues earn more raises and promotions in a wide range of settings"

Consistency and habit make the difference.

I never cherish meeting a selfless giver who is burned out. I know of several. Awesome people who have given, only for them to morph into very bitter people.

They became someone else.   

“Edwin I will not help someone who can’t help me back,” said Elaine with vile resentment.

“Why is that, Elaine?” I asked, shocked by the negative energy.  

“Because people are users, they only take, take, and take,” she spat out.

I had known Elaine for a while. She had been a paragon of assistance to many. She woke up one day and stopped being the same person. She dropped from the radar, and when I met her again after a while, she was another person; bitter and withdrawn.

She expected people to come through for her when her chips were down. No one came through. At least that’s what I concluded from her words.  

“Edwin, if you know what I have done for people, and for them to not come through for me when I was going through the hardest portion of my life. You will be shocked.” Elaine said reflectively.

“I didn’t know Elaine. You just disappeared!” I said innocently.

“I didn’t disappear!” she said with anger.

Elaine is not the first selfless giver, to be ‘used’. They are often termed ‘nice’ people. They give to the extent of sacrifice, for validation and to belong.

 

Ladies and Gentlemen, Give, rather invest in people soberly.

The bible says “Do not let your right hand know what your left hand is doing.”

Praise is sinister, it convolutes a mind. If your mind desires validation. To be seen, heard, and appreciated when you give. You will go to great heights to give for that reason.  The counter is when you don’t give for validation or affirmation.

When you give out of the outpouring of your heart.

The question then becomes, is what you are doing of impact to others? And is it helping you achieve positive personal goals? As Adam Grant advises.

Know that all human beings are delusional, and we all have a propensity for both evil and good. Based on our belief systems and how we perceive the world.

I read somewhere that Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), in war, affects people not because of the events, but when they come to the realization of how malevolent human beings can be. When you interact with someone who genuinely wants to hurt you and they are driven to this completely; that breaks some people.

 Let us go back to the primary questions again.

Why invest in people?

First, because you are worthy - you are enough, without any addition or subtraction. Created in the image of God Almighty. Your worth is separate from your value.

A diamond is a diamond, whether buried deep down covered in rock, or washed, shaped, and displayed on a pedestal on Fifth Avenue going for millions of dollars. Its value grows based on the work expert artisans do.

Your value grows based on the investment you make in yourself.

People may value you differently based on their perception.

This doesn’t change your worth. Your worth should never be based on the value people place on you.

But it is your responsibility and mandate to increase your value as you walk this Earth.  

You interact with people. Curate your value, and work on it to exchange the abilities and talents you have washed, shaped, and displayed on a pedestal, for you to exchange that value with articles of value.

You are worthy to interact and engage with people of diverse backgrounds and give value.

 

Second, it allows you to develop and master your abilities and talents. Every time we learn, we grow. We grow more when we train and empower others, refining ourselves in the fire of society.

 

Third, it helps you build strong and positive relationships. Research shows strong and positive relationships add significantly to your lifespan.

Blue zones; areas in the world where people live extraordinarily long lives, while happy and productive, prove this. And one critical ingredient for this has been the quality of relationships they have in these communities.

Investing in others to build such relationships elongates your life.

 

Finally, let’s bring this home, to you and me.  

We are in a time where self-reliance is celebrated.  We prefer being in our own spaces pulled away from building relationships. The consequence is a high number of people feeling lonely and depressed around the world. There is a strong correlation between mental wellness and relationship quality.

Quality relationships, reduce loneliness and depression in our lives.

 Technology seems like the pacifier we use to numb our feelings and maladapt to social clumsiness. We use the label ‘introverted’ to hide our social awkwardness and fear of rejection.

Yet we need friends. And for that, we have to step out beyond our anxieties, and labels and meet people who share our values and beliefs, and interact with those who have different opinions to us. To sharpen and question our own beliefs.  

Those we resonate with become friends, who become ‘brothers and sisters’ and even ‘Jonathans.’

Socially we are told you are lucky if you have one friend.

The truth. With the right habits, you can make more friends intentionally.   

An introvert can still step out of their shell, and interact with the world, even though they need to recharge after socializing. I know because I am one.  But it is also possible to change your personality, with changes in your habits.

Small steps that shift your mindset, and orient you to do some of the things you thought previously impossible.

I want to encourage you to step beyond your social clumsiness, your fear of rejection, and your inability to articulate an authentic self. Unlearn old mental constructs, while stepping forward boldly.

Learn to look for people you can teach and mentor, as you advance your goals. People you can give your time and energy, giving breath to your purpose.

We are social beings and we need to be around people to thrive.

Because at the end of the day, we are here not for our survival, but to leave an impact and a legacy for generations to come. Something bigger than self.  

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Thank you for taking the time to read this blog! I'm Edwin Moindi, a Life and Habit Coach dedicated to helping people understand their habits, navigate their emotions, and cultivate emotional intelligence for a happier, more balanced life. I'd love to hear your thoughts—feel free to reach out and share your insights or questions!