Silence the Noise and Take Control of the Voices in Your Mind

It had been two days since the event. Two ladies were seated at a restaurant having dinner. One of them, Sue, heaved visibly.

She remembered how it all began.      

Sue was locked in a present ennui, watching trees turn into a foggy green, and zooming by. The further they were, the more picturesque they appeared. Rolling hills majestically hewn from the ground.

Robert had sent her fare to visit him in the big city. This was a virgin voyage. Raised in Embu, she had never charted a course to Nairobi. Her mother, a nurse, had never thought it necessary. Her father, a businessman, had died when she was a teenager.                 

Sue had met Robert on a dating app.  

The chemistry was instant.

‘He makes me feel special,’ she wrote in her diary. Yet couldn’t bring herself to tell Agatha, her best friend, what she was up to.

“I am traveling to Nairobi to visit my aunt,” said Sue.  

“I could come along and stay with you,” said Agatha, gingerly.

“Not this time. I also have one or two things I need to sort out. But I will call you,” said Sue.

~

‘Why haven’t I told her about Robert?’ Sue wondered. ‘Am I embarrassed?’  

The voices in her head were silent.

What was happening in Sue’s mind?  

Let’s investigate.

Optimism, Doom, Persona, Rational, Dark, and Light were the voices in her head.

Sue was extremely shy and found it hard to interact with people physically. Yet very engaging once you got to know her personally.   

There was a sense of excitement as the cityscape formed on the horizon. And her excitement rose to a fever pitch.  

‘A new person and a new connection. You will probably fall head-over-heels in love with him,’ said Light.    

Sue had never had friends. Save for her family and school friends from high school and university. Her life was mostly boring, even dull.

Her mother had been strict. Her father aloof, and always away on business. She was the first-born of three.

Robert was different from the beginning. He was cordial and showed a desire to know her more than the beautiful pictures she had posted.  He asked about her dreams, aspirations, and desires. His interest was unwavering. He never commented on her pretty pictures.  This intrigued her. What had he seen in her?

When he asked for her number, she willingly gave it.

On call, he was funny and engaging.  And a busy schedule kept him traveling across the country.  They had been speaking for a month on phone and video call when he finally invited her to visit him in Nairobi.

‘Only carry clothes for a day!’ suggested Doom.

‘A few days is better?’ retorted Rational.

Sue had called her aunt Martha.

“Can I come and stay with you for a few days?”

“Definitely!” Martha confirmed happily.

‘I don’t like this trip. I have a premonition it will go awry,’ said Doom.   

‘This is a good man. He is going to treat you like you deserve to be treated,’ said Optimism.

‘Do you know what has been happening recently with femicide? Are you a fool to go to a strange town and totally depend on a stranger?’ Asked Doom.

‘And you know how men are nowadays!?’ added Persona.

‘Come on. How many dates have you been in your life? Seriously! You are 24 and have never been in a relationship. What you know is based on TikTok and social media gossip. Can we grab onto reality for a minute? You are a beautiful woman and deserve to explore what is out there,’ said Rational.  

‘Look! You can barely talk in front of people. You are the shyest person you know. You can’t even talk in front of people,’ said Persona. A harsh male voice that repeated itself severally like a broken record.

‘Look at this.’ Persona brought up a memory of Sue before a group where she was to speak but was unable to.

‘Everyone else in that group was articulate, remember? Also, remember this,’ added Persona.

It was a memory of father speaking, “You are not a very bright girl,” He had said while angry. Sue had kept that thought. Ruminated over it, and believed it. That voice, her father’s voice, had become Persona. A voice that always put her down.

“Come on stop thinking like that Sunshine,” said a weaker voice, Light. Light was the voice of positivity. A voice that had lost its strength as the other voices became stronger.

Before Sue left, she had an argument with her mother about taking care of her siblings. Her mother was constantly away on shift.

Growing up in a house with a nurse for a mother, and a father who was absent and away on business, Sue had become a young mother to her siblings, years earlier. She had barely enjoyed her childhood.  To cope, she had allowed voices in her head to flourish with a resentment coalescing into a distaste for her mother.

 

Sue could seek redemption in Nairobi. A place she could find someone to save her, from herself. Sue was battling with anxiety and felt stuck in her life. She loved her siblings, but with a science degree and no possibility of a job, she felt a depressive streak creeping in. Dominated by Persona.

 

“I need to go visit Aunt Martha to check a job offer,” Sue had informed her mother, a week prior for good warning. Her two siblings were in boarding school. A choice her mother had made four months prior, nearly the same time Sue joined the dating app.

Sue was utterly bored. Her days were filled with house chores, reading, and social media.

‘This will kill you if you keep at it,’ said Dark.

Thus, when Robert suggested a trip to Nairobi, a town hall meeting had been held with all the voices in attendance. It had been a noisy meeting. The only way Sue could keep calm was binge-watch movies and scroll endlessly on social media.

‘He is a stranger, and maybe a serial killer,’ said Doom.

‘He is an angel, look how he treated us,’ said Light.

‘We need someone to love us and appreciate us,’ said Optimism

‘No one can love me, I need him to love me,’ said Persona.

Rational was still processing the information.

When the town hall meeting was done. It was clear Sue would be going to Nairobi to meet Robert. Martha was the backup plan in case things went awry.

~

Robert was waiting for her at the bus stage. He had a smile and gave her a warm hug. Then held her hand protectively. His palms were sweaty. Almost a bit too sweaty.

“Might be the nerves,” she thought. He was cute.     

‘Maybe he is as nervous as you are,’ said Rational.

‘Beware,’ said a voice new to her. It was so new, she stood stunned and scared. She looked around. Then at her bag. Then at Robert and the chaos around her.

 “Let’s go this way,” said Robert gently leading her through the crowd, holding onto her hand. As they walked the crowd thinned to a trickle.

‘Where are we going?’ asked Persona.

‘Where are we going?’ asked Dark.

‘Where are we going?’ asked Light.

The voices sounded urgent.

“Where are we going?” asked Sue with the most submissive voice she could muster.

“I am taking you for a meal,” said Robert.

It was minutes after 6 pm. The sun was casting long shadows on the sidewalks of the city. For Sue, it had been a long day.

They walked into a fancy restaurant with Rhumba music blaring, and as they sat Robert flagged a waitress who offered a warm smile and a menu. Robert then proceeded to make an elaborate order that took a few minutes to get across with specific detail, enough to feed a royal party.  

‘He knows what he wants,’ said Optimism.

‘He is controlling,’ said Doom.

‘Can you all be quiet as I observe,’ said Rational.

Sue was hungry and excited. They talked and were getting cozy.

Thirty minutes later when it seemed like silence was eminent, a waitress passed by, and Robert summoned her.

“Excuse me, we ordered 30 minutes ago. We are still waiting. How incompetent are you guys?” Robert asked with a bemused face.

Immediately the new voice Sue had heard came up again. ‘Beware,’ it said.  

The waitress apologized profusely, “We will be bringing your meal in a few minutes Sir,”

Robert fumed.

‘Girl, at this moment you need to call your aunt and tell her where you are,” Persona spoke with an eloquence unnoticed previously.  

Self-preservation is the first law of nature ~ Samuel Butler  

“I need to make a phone call,” Sue said. Rising up, while stealing a glance at Robert who was still visibly agitated by the delay in service.

“Hello Martha, I am in Nairobi,”

“Wow! You are here. That’s really good. Where are you?”

“I am at Kumalo,” Sue said reading from the signage.

“Kumalo! I am actually a few minutes away. I am coming over!” Said Martha, her voice full of excitement.

Back at the table, an angry Robert kept talking about the disrespect from the restaurant. The situation was saved by the arrival of the meal. It was sizzling, tempering the fuming Robert.

“I want to offer you a bottle of wine on the house,” said the manager who had been attracted by the commotion, and chose to arrive with the meal.

Martha also came waltzing in at the same time. Martha was a sophisticated version of Sue. Breathtaking, a head turner, and more cultured to the ways of Nairobi.

The two girls saw each other. Threw caution to the wind, rushed to each other, and hugged. Sue and Martha were kindred spirits. Martha being Sue’s favorite aunt.

Robert demeanor changed when he witnessed the two girls in ritual. He became a child in a candy shop, happy to order more food for Martha, and make the two ladies happy.

The pleasantries went on for a while.

“Robert, what do you do for a living?” asked Martha.

“I run a shop in town,” responded Robert instinctively.

“What do you deal with?” prodded Martha with a smile.

“Electronics, mobile phones, and accessories,” said Robert.

“That is really interesting,” said Martha. “I also do the same.”

Robert shifted uncomfortably.

“Where is your shop?” Martha asked.

"Waiter, can you bring another bottle of this wine. I love it,” said Robert. He then looked down at his phone.

“Excuse me ladies let me take a quick call. I will be right back,” Robert woke up and stepped away for a moment.

Martha smiled.

Sue was observing everything carefully.

‘Why is he nervous about that question,’ asked Doom.

‘It was good you called Martha,’ said Rational.

‘Yes,’ all the voices agreed.

 

“Hey love, why didn’t you tell me you were coming? You know this Nairobi is not safe especially when you are new?” said Martha looking in the direction of Robert.

 

“I am just happy you are here!” said Sue, looking down at her feet.

“Listen, you will follow my lead and what I say. Is that fine?” said Martha.

“Sounds fair,” said Sue. Smiling at her aunt.

“I am back,” said Robert. He was calmer.

“Can we go somewhere else we have a few drinks for the night?” asked Martha after a bit of conversation. Robert was shocked by this request but was quick to recover.

“Why not, the night is still young,” he said with a broad smile.

 “Can we go to Marco?” Martha inquired.

“Definitely,” said Robert this time his smile was forced.

That is how the three packed into a car and travelled across town to a club that was highly frequented by the upward mobile in the city.

“Watch and learn young girl,” said Martha holding her niece closely.

As soon as they entered the club Martha walked up to a group of people, who she hugged and proceeded to introduce Robert and Sue. And then sat between the two.

“You have a choice to discover Nairobi and spend a few days with me,” Martha whispered into Sue’s ear.

‘The lady speaks the truth,’ said Rational.

‘And you are safer with her,’ said Dark.

There was silence as all the voices knew what Dark meant.

Sue had noticed a couple of slights on Robert. The new voice was her instinct telling her to stay clear. The anger displayed at the waitress. The lack of clarity about his business. And contorted face when Martha turned up, and when Martha suggested they go to Club Marco. Sue felt safe with Martha around.

Robert was also less dominant and more cautious at this new venue. He was spending more time on his phone.

But more was to come.

At midnight a woman walked up to their table, she looked distraught and angry. The moment Robert saw her he tensed up.

“Why were you not picking my calls for the last five days? Your daughters need to get back to school, and you haven’t paid school fees. What is wrong with you?” The woman was loud and angry. She started throwing bottles and glasses.

“Are you spending time with these sluts?” the woman spit out bitterly, her attention on Martha and Sue.

The table had ten people.

Sue was immediately drawn into a vortex. Everything she had carefully constructed about Robert was a castle in the air and it started tumbling down.

The woman pulled Robert from his seat and reached out for Martha. Robert retaliated and slapped her across the face. A bouncer was on hand to quell any more commotion. The lady was propelled into the air kicking and cursing, and dragged out with Robert hot on her heels.  

Martha turned to Sue. “Drink up, and welcome to Nairobi.”

All the voices materialized.

‘Ignorance is bliss,’ said Optimism.

‘We ducked a bullet there,’ said Doom.

‘I said you have bad taste in men,’ said Persona.

‘Will you shut up and let the girl grieve in peace,’ said Light.

‘I agree with Light for once,’ said Rational.

‘Me three,’ said Dark.  And they all laughed. So did Sue.

 

Let us take this home

Our inner dialogue is about the thoughts, beliefs, and narratives that we create within our minds. They range from positive and empowering, to negative and self-critical. Understanding the nature of our inner dialogue involves recognizing its impact on our emotions, behaviors, and overall mental well-being.

 

We have a choice to act on the voices that fashion our beliefs. Sue was able to lean on her instinct and call on Martha who happened to be wiser in the situation, and guide her accordingly.

 

I shudder to think what would have happened if Sue had leaned on to the loneliness created by Persona, in her quest to prove the voice wrong and desiring to find love and turn to Robert for that.

 

Our inner dialogue significantly influences how we perceive and react to situations.

 

Positive self-talk can boost confidence and resilience, while negative self-talk can contribute to stress, anxiety, and self-doubt. By becoming aware of these internal narratives, we can better manage our emotional responses and make more reasoned decisions.

 

Recognizing patterns of negative self-talk is crucial for effectively managing inner dialogue. Common triggers include self-criticism, fear of failure, perfectionism, and comparing oneself to others.

Awareness allows individuals to challenge and modify these patterns to foster a more constructive inner dialogue.

According to Shirzad Chamine, only 20% of people reach their true potential due to the influence of inner Saboteurs. These Saboteurs are internal enemies—automatic, habitual mind patterns that each have their own voice, beliefs, and assumptions, working against our best interests.

 

In conclusion, I beseech you to discover your saboteurs, practice self-awareness, and challenge those negative thoughts by questioning their validity. Replace negative self-defeating thoughts with positive constructive ones.  Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, knowing that everyone has flaws and makes mistakes including you. Don’t allow those internal voices to speak harshly. Engage them and ask them to be kinder. Learn to also say NO. Seek support and talk to friends. Find a good coach, or therapist for perspective. And regularly journal and review your stance in life.

Like Sue, develop cognitive distance, viewing thoughts as separate from oneself to gain perspective and objectivity. Aim to reinterpret negative thoughts in a more positive or realistic light. The voices of Optimism, Rational, and Light served Sue to this end. For Sue the onus is to learn to cultivate being present, and aware to observe thoughts without judgment. While being kind and understanding even in challenging times.

What voices are you listening to? 

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Thank you for taking the time to read this blog! I'm Edwin Moindi, a Life and Habit Coach dedicated to helping people understand their habits, navigate their emotions, and cultivate emotional intelligence for a happier, more balanced life. I'd love to hear your thoughts—feel free to reach out and share your insights or questions!